Create a Memorial Service During The Pandemic

It is now more important than ever to create a memorial service during the pandemic and to move from grieving to a celebration of life. 

Before March, 2020, there was a well established tradition in our families for a funeral service and a memorial service.  Usually one or several members of the family, friends or partners would bring everyone together.  We would say our last good-byes to the person we loved together.  We would come together and share the tears, the stories, the grieving, and always, always the hugs and the support.

For many of us, especially during the early months as the pandemic was unfolding, the core of our traditions were gone to keep everyone safe.  At the heart of our tradition, saying a final good-bye at the funeral, was not an option.  One day the pandemic will be over and life may return to some sort of “normal,” but our final good-bye, that moment will never return.

On one hand, the funeral is over. On the other, if we do not find a way to say good-bye, to share our grief and comfort each other, we do not know the long term emotional effect this will have on our own spirit, on our families and our interactions with our communities as life continues.

There is a way to say good-bye, to celebrate the life of those we love, to begin the healing process and to move from grieving to a celebration of life.  A memorial service is now more important than ever.  If you are like me, you want to create a service where you could invite everyone.  That would mean a large gathering and that too is not something we can do right now.  What is the alternative? 

You can begin to plan the large event with smaller events along the way.  As a start, I’m sharing 5 ideas for planning small, safe and loving memorial services during the pandemic.

Navigate to where you want to go:

1.1  Intro

1.2  Idea 1:  Connect with People

1.3  Idea 2:  Reach out to Friends

1.4  Idea 3:  Get Professional Help

1.5  Idea 4:  Nurture Your Spirit

1.6  Idea 5:  Physical Contact and Staying Safe

1.7  Honoring Those we Love During a Pandemic

1.8  About the Author

Over the last 6 months I lost people I loved at the height of the pandemic.  I have also had conversations with friends and colleagues who have lost family and friends. Since I am the one in my circle who brings everyone together for a funeral service or a memorial service I too had to wrestle with how I was going to handle this particular period in my life. 

I did my research which began with reaching out, to friends, health care professionals and my funeral director.  For starters, you are not alone and speaking to people is a must!  Which brings me to my first idea…

Idea 1:  Connect with People

You are never alone and you have so many options available to you to connect to the support you need at this time.  Even if you are living alone, recognize you are not alone.

Speak to and share your feelings with those who share in your grief.  For most of us it begins with our family.  The beauty about speaking with family is that you all share in the love and sadness of your family member.  In essence this is a memorial service.

We are so fortunate today to have at our disposal numerous forms of communication.  Audio, visual or written, but whatever form of communication works for you use it to connect.

When I was speaking with a family member over Facetime after the funeral, we were both sad and grieving and then one of us began to tell a story and that led to another story and before we knew it we were celebrating the good times. 

We began to share videos and photos.  We talked about writing down the stories for a larger memorial service, but it all began right there at that moment with those we love.

Although my family member could not be at the funeral, our time together helped us both as we shared images and stories to spiritually say good-bye and hold those wonderful memories in our hearts.

Idea 2:  Reach out to Friends

Choosing someone to reach out to is never easy and it is so important to feel safe when you are grieving and feeling vulnerable.  In a way speaking to close and dear friends is not a burden but a part of your relationship.  Always remember, someone has been where you are at this moment.  You may have been a comfort to your friends at a time when they were sad.  They love you and will be a comfort to you now.

This is also a memorial service for both of you.  Your friend may have known the person you lost, so just like family, you will both share stories and experiences.  If they did not know the person, they may have had a similar experience in their own life.

I called several friends of mine and they all shared wonderful stories about those they loved, about their experiences at the time of their passing and the experiences that have happened since.

AJ said good-bye to his father when he was ten years old.  One of the most beautiful suggestions he shared was that he created new memories with his father over the years.  That was one of the most beautiful experiences someone could have shared with me at that moment. 

AJ’s ability to continue to share his father’s story with all of those around him, in essence, is a memorial service to his father.  He takes his father with him everywhere he goes, not just in spirit, but in the creation of new memories through AJ’s life.  You can hear the entire interview on Apple, Spotify and on the Celebrations of Life Podcast page.

Idea 3:  Get Professional Help

I am not a counselor, or a psychiatrist or a licensed therapist and when I needed help I was so grateful that I reached out for professional guidance.

If you can, even for one or two sessions, speak to a professional grief counselor. You can also join if that works better for you.

How does this relate to planning your memorial service?   You don’t know what you don’t know.  It will be very difficult for you to plan, pay tribute, celebrate those you love, take them with you, create new memories when your grieving overpowers your emotions.

When my father passed, I was so distraught.  What I discovered is that I was not only grieving losing him, but also the time we spent together and the weight of having been his caregiver for many years.  There was so much for me to process, and seeing a counselor really helped.

The pain of losing someone at any time in life is hard.  Losing someone during a pandemic is beyond anything we have ever experienced in multi-generational lifetimes.  The last pandemic was over 100 years ago.  Taking care of your mental health is as important as taking care of your physical health.  Remember, you are not alone.  Someone has been here before.  A grief counselor will assist you with the tools and the techniques that family and friends may not have at their disposal to give to you. 

I am so grateful for the counselor I had.  As with anything, make sure you find the right counselor for you.  It was during my sessions with my counselor that I was able to uncover memories that I was able to share and continue to memorialize my father.  The experience also helped me discover ideas for future memorial services. 

Idea 4:  Nurture Your Spirit

In grieving, the first impact is there, you cry, you get angry, you can’t sleep, you can’t eat, so many emotions are going through you.  Then things begin to settle, or so you think.   You can now eat, perhaps you are now sleeping through the night, perhaps you are not crying as much.

What helped me was getting back to my spiritual readings.  I love to meditate, I listened a lot to Gary Zukav and read his book The Seat of the Soul, and I listened to Deepak Chopra and his Hope Meditation.

That was a gift.  A dear friend of mine sent me the link and I fell in love with the Hope Meditation.  I love meditating and that was the absolute best for me, and from there I began to feel those I love, connect on a larger level and move past my initial grief.

It is not easy, and it took a lot of time.  So, I say this all the time, as my dear friend and wonderful grief counselor Skylar Larkyn would say, “Be kind to yourself.” 

I accepted the wonderful support I received from so many people.  I have a coach who would always tell me not to judge myself.

It was not as if I did not know these things, but it was so comforting to have someone say it to me.  It was a little extra hug, and their love and words of comfort just embraced me.  Especially now, in a pandemic, even though family and friends may not be able to give a physical hug, they can do it virtually or at distance, and they can lend a comforting ear and helpful voice.

Connecting to my spirit helps me to create mini-memorial services with those I love when I am alone.  Sometimes I may light a candle. If you light a candle at home, always make sure you are safe.  Make sure there are no chemicals around you when you light the match.  Do not use any hand sanitizer before or after lighting a candle.    If I do light a candle I say a few words and then I always make sure I blow out the candle before leaving the room.  Sometimes when I light a candle I will meditate for a while with something special in my hands that reminds me of the person I love.  This could be a photo, jewelry, a book, anything that is special to you and the person you love.

Idea 5:  Physical Contact and Staying Safe

Hugging, kissing, connecting is part of healing.  It is something we do at all our the loving and supporting moments in our lives.  It is even more important when we are grieving.

If you are fortunate to live with family, and they are honoring the science to keep everyone at home safe.  Then you have those around you to hug and have that special physical contact.

If you live alone, your family and friends are wonderful, but they do not know who they come in contact with, even in the best of circumstances.  You must be very careful.  If you need that physical hug speak with your healthcare provider about ideas and tips for safely connecting with family and friends. 

This will include wearing a mask and your own personal medical condition to take into consideration, so it is important to ask for guidance.  This will help you to find a safe path if you need to just have that hug that you have been missing.

While you are on the journey to planning the larger memorial event to celebrate those you love, you can call these smaller gatherings a mini memorial service or a mini memorial tribute.  Perhaps go to a favorite place that you both shared.  Bring with you photos or other items that you wish to include in your time together.  If you have something you wish to give to the person you are meeting, include that in your time together.

The longer the pandemic continues, the harder it is to honor those we love in the traditions we hold dear. And in such times of uncertainty, many of us are looking for other ways to honor those we love..

As time has proven, this pandemic isn’t going anywhere soon. However, it has also proven that we are strong and resilient.  The world around us is finding new ways to work, to celebrate milestones and we are finding new ways to honor those we cherish.

It is important to abide by strict protocols, we can connect, and one thing’s for certain — our traditions for honoring those we love are there, but they will not be, at least right now as they were before.

It honors those we love to adapt, change, and evolve. They would want nothing else than for you to live your best and joyous life.  Let’s protect those around us. So yes, honoring those we love is possible.  Begin today to create that large wonderful event.  In the interim have small memorial services that will keep everyone safe for the larger memorial service and you can take them with your loved one with you and build new memories along the way.